No, Thank You, Please

People out there posting up their best-of-2019 photos/memories/memes/recipes/books/songs/serial killers/movies/shows/etc and me? Meanwhile, I’m over here wondering… can I not?

Farewell, good riddance, gtfo 2019. Let the door hit you on your way out.

This year was… rough. The first 6 months involved the darkest, worst roller coaster depression I’ve experienced to date. It got reallllllll bad, y’all. But I got help. Professionally and prayerfully. And then I very slowly, very painfully crawled and clawed my way up and out. It was not pretty. In some ways and on some days, it still isn’t.

But it got better. Things turned around. I was able to start working through a lot of things that needed work, and I became more of who I think I’m meant to be. I moved from a place that was killing me to a place full of encouragement and validation and a whole of laughter. And boy, do I need that laughter.

I’m not sure what else to put here. I survived, but I still have a long way to go. AJ has been extremely patient and giving and loving and understanding and supportive, and I cannot begin to describe how loved that makes me. But my hope for this year ahead is to do more than survive. I want to do better, be better. For myself, and for my family.

I’m proud of where I’m at, that I can laugh and make jokes in the chaos more and trust that it will be okay, because He said it will. I’m glad that I can recognize the hurt and the same struggle in others and try to be there in the ways I’m able, when I can. I hope I can do more of that this year- be a kindness or a safe haven to those around me. That’s what I’m working on. That and creating more. Writing more. That’s always a plan, but I never seem to execute it well, so lift that one up for me.

For 2020, I hope to create memories I won’t regret, to show my incredible children how loved and cherished they are, and to put the past 12-18 months behind me where it belongs.

May 2020 bring resilience and joy (and a whole lot of laughter) for me and mine, and you and yours.


2 thoughts on “No, Thank You, Please

  1. Ann Z says:

    So much love to you, Cait. Fuck 2019 and the pit of bullshit it bright to you. I’m so grateful that you found your way out. Mental illness is awful but it’s something so many struggle with. I will count as one of the things I’m grateful for in 2019 that you are still with us and now thriving. You are beautiful, talented and enormously full of potential and hope. So glad to know you, Cait.


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